Rage and the Power of Forgiveness
A gateway to freedom, peace, and healing
“F**K THAT GUY!“
We all experience injustices throughout our lives. From minor inconveniences to horrific tragedies, they’re an inescapable aspect of existence on Earth. These experiences can spin us into a fit of fury or bring our blood to an unrelenting boil. We linger in this hateful stew for hours, days, years—unable or unwilling to let go of what has transpired.
Why is it so hard to forgive the people or circumstances who’ve harmed us?
The Consequences of Holding On
Recollect the last time you were lost in a rage or depression. There might have been a repeating inner dialog that sounded like:
That was unfair.
Why would they do this to me?
I should have done <fill in the blank>.
What a jerk (or <insert preferred colorful expletive>).
The next time you catch yourself in this thought pattern, notice how it feels in your body. Does it correlate to a tightness in your chest, a simmering discomfort in your gut, an ache in your neck, a cramp in your legs?
It can be uncomfortable to fixate on anger, hate, spite, and judgement; but it’s a necessary part of the process. Your body is telling you to pay attention to something that you need to change in your life.
Unfortunately, this experience goes beyond you. We humans tend to project the same patterns we have inside onto those around us. You may lash out, repeat words you don’t really mean, or harm the ones you love.
All of this pain lingers in your system—corroding your thoughts, feelings, and bodily functions. It builds up over time, and when left untreated, manifests as chronic pain and disease.
You’re Vibrating With Rage
“You are a living energy field. Your body is composed of energy-producing particles, each of which is in constant motion. So, like everything and everyone else in the universe, you are vibrating and creating energy.” - Rebecca Joy Stanborough, MFA
Using atomic force microscopes, scientific researchers are now able to identify vibrations on the nanoscale (smaller than 1/1000th the diameter of a single human hair). They are now aiming these devices inside the human body—discovering how electrical and magnetic energy in the body stimulate chemical processes.
As an example: negative thoughts (such as anger, despair, and fear) create a lower vibrational frequency at the molecular level. This is in opposition to joy, peace, and acceptance, which vibrate at a higher frequency. These vibrations generate electromagnetic energy waves, triggering the release of stress hormones that stimulate your heart rate to speed up or slow down. A new rhythm reverberates through your system, ultimately influencing your biology and behavior.
In essence: your thoughts and emotions create a specific vibration that not only affect your body systems, but also the people around you.
What would happen if you could let go of all those low vibrations?
It’s a Story. What Role Do You Play?
The Drama Triangle is a social model often used in psychotherapy to help understand the nature of relationship dynamics. In a typical drama, you’ll have people assuming one of three roles, the Victim, the Villain, or the Hero.
The Victim
The Victim takes the position of one who is persecuted, oppressed, exploited, helpless, hopeless, powerless, or ashamed—a result of the Villain’s actions. They seek justice, and often resort to blame and shame to justify their circumstances.
The Villain
The subject perceived to be causing harm to the Victim, whether it be through controlling, criticism, or some other form of verbal or physical violence. Interestingly, if blamed in turn, the Villain may switch roles to a Victim when attacked forcefully by the Hero and/or Victim. In a twist of fate, the Victim then becomes the Villain.
The Hero
A classic enabler, the Hero feels compelled to come to the rescue; often driven by a sense of responsibility or guilt. This role taken to extremes can lead to undesirable results. The Hero may deny the Victim permission to fail and experience the consequences of their choices. The Hero may also become enraged as their help fails to achieve change, ultimately making them a Villain.
We all assume one of these roles when we become invested and intertwined in our dramas. But here’s the secret to solving the drama triangle: elevate above it. There is a 4th role that exists outside of this paradigm:
The Compassionate Observer
The Compassionate Observer sees all sides of the situation, understanding each person’s position and their unique perspectives to see the full picture. They process their emotions fully and see the facts without judgement. They hold compassion for each participant’s limitations and struggles while honoring their own. By embracing neutrality and letting go of any fixed position; they are free to make a decision based on objectivity and strive for the fairest solution for all parties.
Forgiveness is the Opener
To become the Compassionate Observer, one must embody forgiveness.
To forgive is to make a conscious decision to release the primal cycle of resentment, anger, or vengeance towards a person who has harmed or wronged you. Whether they deserve it or not, you are choosing not to hold the wrongdoing against the person. This is important, because doing so also releases YOU of that emotion.
Forgiveness is not about forgetting, excusing, or condoning anyone’s actions. It doesn’t mean sacrificing your boundaries and becoming a doormat for people to walk all over. Forgiveness is about finding inner serenity, releasing the corrosive anger, and giving yourself the permission to move on with grace. Mastery can be found operating in the liminal space between these extremes.
Forgiveness may seem scary because you’re opening yourself up to being hurt again, or shameful because some may view it as a sign of weakness. But that’s not the truth. Forgiving someone is an act of courage and a powerful demonstration of inner strength and wisdom.
When you forgive, it liberates people from the drama triangle. It heals emotional wounds. It manifests peace between others.
It Starts With You
Like many things in life, forgiveness needs to begin with yourself. When you can’t forgive yourself, you are handicapped from fully forgiving others. You end up stuck playing the role of Victim, Villain, or Hero. Catch that voice in your head who is quick to anger—hear it out, let it inform you, and let it rest in peace. Integrate it into the wiser, more compassionate you.
Finding forgiveness is a non-linear process. It runs on its own schedule and is unique to every individual. There’s no easy formula to navigating this, but here are some ways to ease the journey:
Seek Understanding: Gather information and view the situation from different perspectives and with broader context. This requires curiosity and patience. It’s easy to know how someone wronged you, but it can be a stretch to consider the other person’s perspective.
Withhold Judgement: Evaluate the facts as cause and effect vs. blame and shame.
Honor Your Emotions: Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. Scream, cry, shake it out. You’ll know what to do when you tune into your body’s intelligence.
Let Go: Permit the thoughts and emotions to move through the body and release them.
Take Accountability: Acknowledge your own part in the dynamic and what you can learn from it.
Practice Self-love: Give yourself grace for your mistakes and tend to your own wounds.
Practice Empathy: Consider how others may be feeling based on their own experience and vantage point.
Strive For Peace: Recognize that lashing out, revenge, or punishment often perpetuates its own cycle.
Embrace Uncertainty: Accept that you can’t control any outcome, but you can control how you react to it.
Rewrite The Story: View the situation from a higher perspective that integrates all sides.
Get Support: You don’t have to do this alone. Having someone you trust serve as a Compassionate Observer can help you feel heard, reflect deeper, embody a loving position—it’ll spare you a lot of personal agony.
Make The Choice: To forgive and move on.
I hope these words prove useful to you on your path to forgiveness. May we all heal the wounds we’ve given to each other. May we all learn and grow from our experiences. May we all find peace and harmony in our lives.
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What I’m Doing This Week
Gratitude
I’m grateful for all the people in my life who taught me how to forgive. I thank you and I forgive you.
Lesson Learned
No amount of external validation will ever replace your own self-worth.
Listening to
Better by Lil Yachty
Watching
Dr. Bret Weinstein’s discussion with Steven Bartlett is as thought provoking as it is chilling. Whether you agree with Weinstein’s assessment of societal trends or not, it’s worth listening to a grounded, clearly articulated set of arguments and some practical and reasonable recommendations.
Reading
Masterful breakdown of what’s wrong in tech and a clear call to action.
“Every time one of us switches from a dominant centralized platform to one of these alternative grassroots communities, the culture heals in a meaningful way.”
Self-care
Meditation, volleyball, parasite cleanse, ocean cold plunge, sunlight, naps, stretching, weight lifting, hot baths, sunlight, deep tissue work
To forgive is to make a conscious decision to release the primal cycle of resentment, anger, or vengeance towards a person who has harmed or wronged you.
Beautifully written, Jeremy. It's a conscious action, it's never in the state of "ehhh I forgave them", it's a continuous decision especially for the old deep wounds, every little memory could zoom in on the bad things instead of focusing on the lessons and the action to move forward.
I’ve been holding onto so much anger and sadness which only makes me angrier and sadder that I’m so angry and sad.
This made me realize that depending on the day, I’m the villain, victim, or hero in the scenario that got me to here. Which leads to increase anger, sadness, and confusion. I leave too little grace to remember that I am the hero in that storyline. I saved myself.