The Profound Significance of Parenting
A wise mentor once said to me
If you want to solve the world’s biggest problems, start with parenting. Otherwise, you’ll never get anywhere.
He’s right.
Peel back the layers of any complex, unhealthy system or individual, and often at its core, you'll find traces of childhood trauma. Identify the individual personality traits and archetypes and you’ll discover how they’re borne out of insecurities. Dig deeper and you’ll find that those unconscious fears and cognitive distortions were originally caused by childhood scars.
Childhood Trauma is the fertile soil in which different forms of seeds germinate. On one hand, trauma shapes our identity and cultivates character. On the other, unresolved trauma sprouts into anger, shame, greed, envy, gluttony, sloth, and lust. These baser qualities influence our choices throughout life, often compounding into disease, corruption, violence, and destruction.
In a previous post, I wrote:
Bringing a child into the world is a precious gift wrapped up in a herculean challenge. I firmly believe that being a parent is the single most important job in the world. Many of the world’s problems stem from traumatic childhood experiences, and parents are the ultimate stewards of those experiences
Every parent deserves to be trained, equipped, supported, and cherished. It’s through parenthood that the seeds of a future society are sown, let’s show them some love.
To me, fatherhood isn't just a role; it's a beautiful calling that demands constant growth.
My Parenting Style
I often think of my parenting role as a gardener, a perspective I gained from The Gardener and the Carpenter by Alison Gopnik.
Gopnik describes the "carpenter" approach as one where parents believe they can shape their children into a particular outcome, much like a carpenter shapes wood into a finished product. This model is predicated on the idea of control and following a set of instructions or guidelines to achieve a specific result.
In contrast, the "gardener" approach acknowledges that parents can provide an environment where children can grow and develop in their unique ways. Like a gardener, parents create a nurturing environment, provide resources, and then let nature take its course.
The point of the gardener is to foster, not to smother. Provide boundaries, yet allow them the freedom to thrive. It’s not about shielding your children from every challenge but equipping them with the resilience to navigate life’s hurdles.
Back to School
My daughters, B and M, have ended their summer break and returned to elementary school. We had a beautiful time together these past few months.
I am witnessing their metamorphosis into sovereign beings. Mourning the loss of their infancy and innocence. Learning to celebrate their growing maturity and the nuanced minds that have suddenly arrived in my home.
I’m coming to understand the depth of emotions that explode onto the scene with pre-puberty. Their personalities are coming out; loving, sweet, imaginative, and unexpectedly wise. I’m discovering hidden pains, how interconnected it is to my life and my family, and seeing the path to healing and growth.
I’m getting to know their friends, classmates, and neighbors. Understanding who they are, their values, their stories, and their choices.
The deeper I delve into my children’s lives and minds, the more I experience them teaching me about myself. I see what it takes to be a good father for them, to be a proper role model. Someone who can provide unconditional love, security, and teach them to build those qualities within themselves.
I realize how critical a time it is for their growth and development. I see the paths that they can take, with or without nurturing and engagement. Learning the importance of presence in their development is helping me understand the nature of teenage angst and inter-generational conflict.
I know there will come a time when they will lean on their peers more than their family. But until they do, I want to make sure I’m giving them the love, safety, and acceptance they need. In doing so, it’ll teach them to cultivate healthy relationships, especially one with themselves.
What We Consume In the Digital Age
You are what you eat. It’s not just water and food; we consume energy and information. All of these inputs have an impact on our health, our mind, and how we operate in the world.
Quality and quantity matter, it’s essential to be conscious of not just what we consume, but how and why.
Recent reflections on my children’s and friends’ technology use brought me to a deeper understanding of its implications.
Social Media’s Double-Edged Sword
Social media can be a powerful tool for connecting, learning, and creativity. But it can quickly morph into a portal for comparisons or weaponized for control.
Social media has become a common part of our modern culture, and needs to be approached with caution. In the same way that I consider where my children go out to play, I have to be intentional about the virtual rooms, homes, and minds they’re stepping into. Accessing the metaverse is diving into completely new worlds full of wonder and danger.
During my decade working at Blizzard Entertainment, I was privy to the obscure mechanisms that power the content we consume in games and social media. I was there in the conference rooms of big tech companies, where deals and decisions were made. I felt alone in asking out loud “Are we going to write a code of ethics for this stuff?”
As it turns out, I was not alone. There are plenty of whistleblower testimonies on this very issue.
It was disturbing to see profit prioritized above all else. To witness the power that algorithms, corporations, and governments have over our decision making, livelihoods, and well-being. To see the negative consequences on humans and the planet quantified as a number and dismissed as if it were a simple rounding error.
With the advent of Artificial intelligence, all of this is accelerating, the impacts amplified.
They see everything. They are pulling the strings. And the results are not good…
A Mental Health Crisis in The Making
Research suggests alarming links between social media and mental health issues:
Teenagers are experiencing historical levels of depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, social isolation, eating disorders, and other maladies as indicated in studies found on ncbi.nlm.nih.gov and explored by experts like Jonathan Haidt.
Risks of media device use include obesity, sleep, attention, and learning impairment, illicit substance use, high-risk sexual behaviors, depression, cyberbullying, and compromised privacy and confidentiality.
Teenage girls in particular are experiencing more violence, suicidal thoughts, and mental health challenges according to the CDC Youth Risk Behavior Survey.
The Silent Erosion of Freedom
As each year passes by, I’m observing our collective freedoms decay across the globe. We are willingly giving up our information, thoughts, emotions, memories, creations, and decisions to corporations and governments. Small groups of people who consistently demonstrate they don’t have our best interests at heart.
When you’re not paying for the product, you are the product.
Data privacy isn’t just about protecting personal information, it’s a multifaceted issue with implications for personal safety, economic equity, societal freedom, and the preservation of fundamental human rights.
By blindly accepting the terms and traps of big tech companies, we are risking:
Personal Autonomy: If an entity knows enough about your habits, preferences, and beliefs, they have an elevated power to influence your decisions. It can craft highly personalized messages or news feeds that can subtly manipulate or influence opinions, voting behaviors, or purchasing decisions.
Economic Exploitation: Personal data is a valuable commodity. Companies can use it to gain a competitive advantage, manipulate markets, or target consumers in specific, and sometimes exploitative, ways. Why does none of this value come back to the individual originators of the data? Welcome to Surveillance Capitalism.
Discrimination, Haman Rights Violations, and Personal Harm: Data can be used to profile individuals or groups, leading to discrimination. This can happen in various sectors like employment, lending, housing, or law enforcement.
Freedom of Thought and Speech: If individuals feel they're constantly being watched or monitored online, they might self-censor or avoid researching certain topics. This "chilling effect" can stifle personal growth, innovation, and free exchange of ideas. A pre-requeisite for authoritarianism.
Imagine a scenario where you’re trying to buy a home or car, get a loan, or take a plane ride. Without warning, you’re notified on your phone that you were denied.
Perhaps because you voted a certain political party, didn’t get a vaccine, have a specific sexual orientation, are getting a divorce, or practice a specific religion. Perhaps you haven’t even done any of these things yet, but the algorithm simply predicted you would.
Is that a world we want to live in? Sounds unrealistic, dystopian, or like a work of fiction? This exists today. Meet the Chinese social credit system.
One may say “So what? We’ve been doing this so long already. What’s the big deal?” This is a telltale sign of a Sunk Cost Fallacy. This cavalier thinking is indicative of our tendency to follow through on an endeavor if we have already invested time, effort, or money into it, whether or not the current costs outweigh the benefits.
There’s no perfect solution to this situation, and I won’t claim to have all the answers. What I would like to do is make sure my kids are safe and start a conversation about internet safety. We have tremendous power over our choices, our digital footprint, and what we share.
Crafting a Sanctuary at Home
Change starts from within and at home. I can’t control anyone except myself. My hope is that I can model some beneficial behaviors that inspires others. And through viral effects, change can spread.
Where’s what I practice at home:
Embody Moderation
Anything in excess & extreme often leads to unhealthy consequences. Social media and technology use may be inevitable, so finding balance is the perpetual task.
Have a time limit on technology, using screen time / parental controls. Be intentional about its usage, vs. habitual.
Quality Time
There is no greater gift you can give a person than your undivided, unconditional, compassionate attention. Spend time with your family, put the phone away, listen to them, and enjoy the moment.
Outdoor Play
Explore the natural world, move your body, foster real-world connections with friends and neighbors, breathe in fresh air.
Get Adequate Sleep
Consistent quality sleep makes you happier, healthier, smarter, more energized, and clear-minded.
Eat Right
Prioritize whole food that represents its closest natural state. Processed food is killing us.
Eat food that restores your microbiome.
Stop drinking sugar.
Heal and Nurture
Cultivate the inner child in yourself. If you haven’t healed the wounds of your trauma, you’ll be blocked from healing your children’s.
This is a parallel and reciprocal process: As you heal and grow, so do they. And vice versa.
This requires courage. Looking honestly in the mirror can be an unpleasant experience, but the rewards are priceless and boundless.
Get Off Social Media
Humans are wired for direct in-person connection with a limited set of individuals (The Dunbar Limit is ~150 people). If connection is what you seek, meet in person. If you can’t physically meet, start a chat with the ones you care about and speak to them directly.
Use open source, non-profit, decentralized alternatives. Transparency allows you to trust the algorithms and the motives of the team behind the technology.
Give a damn. If enough people care and take action, it can lead to real change.
Have thoughts or suggestions? I’m happy to discuss in the comments below.
What I’m Doing This Week
Gratitude
I’m grateful for stillness in life; allowing me to rest, see things clearly, practice sound judgement, be intentional with my actions, and receive exactly what I need.
Lesson Learned
Rushing to a conclusion often results in some form of suffering. Be patient and let nature run its course.
Listening to
Chattra Chakkra Varti by White Sun
Watching
Oppenheimer - An atypical yet captivating Nolan film, this biopic and its ominous final message still sits with me. We’ve got lots of work to do to avoid nuclear destruction. I believe the answer lies in compassion, cooperation, and reciprocity.
Reading
The Adam and Eve Story on the official CIA government website.
A book classified and censored by the CIA, released thanks to the Freedom of Information Act. It describes historical cataclysms related to magnetic pole shifts and what’s to come. Why would this be censored? 🤔
Self-care
Meditation, gardening, sunlight, fascia work, stretching, dieta, biking, pullups