In a recent conversation, a dear friend and I discussed self-love and how difficult it was to experience it. Self-love has been a foreign concept to me for most my life. Like reading Latin, skydiving, or TikTok - everyone talks about it and preaches its merits, yet I just can’t seem to get into it.
No, I don’t know anyone that talks about Latin, but you know what I mean.
When I used to hear someone speak about self-love, an old inner voice would ponder:
“What does that actually feel like?” “Is this just more of that hippy-spiritual-mumbo-jumbo bullshit?” “Why can’t I do it? Do I have a handicap?” “Is anyone else like this?”
Given the magnitude of the global mental health crisis, I’m willing to wager that there are quite a few out there who share my affliction.
What is Self-love?
Self-love is loving yourself exactly as you are in this moment, right now. Imperfections and all.
It includes treating yourself with kindness, compassion, and understanding, just as you would a close friend or loved one. It also involves setting healthy boundaries and standing up for yourself.
How many of us can say we practice this as our #1 priority every single day? I certainly can’t. Yet I’m learning that my relationship with myself is foundational to almost everything I experience in life.
The Origins of Self-Torment
When I looked back on my life and saw where I didn’t put myself first, it was disheartening. There was so much unnecessary pain, so much wasted energy. I was determined to understand why self-love was such a struggle. So I searched inward. I read books and articles. I listened to podcasts. I meditated. I explored it in therapy. I consulted my mushroom friends.
As it turns out, when I was young I didn’t perceive unconditional love - the key word being perceive, because I did in fact receive a lot. My parents loved me so profoundly as a child that I can still close my eyes and feel its vibration in my heart.
However, our love languages were mismatched. Their love was displayed through acts of service, home cooked meals, and long hours at the office to make sure we had a roof over our heads.
As an immigrant family from the Philippines, it wasn’t in our culture to be emotionally expressive. Growing up in scarcity made us prioritize economic safety. Living in the streets of New York made us prioritize physical safety. We didn’t have time to waste talking about mushy feelings, we had shit to take care of. It took us over 20 years before we openly said ‘I love you’ to each other. That delay came at an emotional price.
In adult life, I discovered my natural love languages - physical touch, acts of service, and words of affirmation. The trick with love languages is that you tend to perceive love through specific expressions. How you express it tends to be how you like to receive it. When you aren’t getting it the way you normally perceive it, you think the love isn’t there.
So I didn’t perceive unconditional love because I didn’t get enough hugs. Because I didn’t hear the words ‘I love you’ and ‘I accept you’. This created unconscious assumptions that I wasn’t doing enough, so I put my focus on criticism, discipline, and the need to perform better.
As a child, you have a very specific filter on how you understand the world. You create stories and beliefs from that limited view. This was mine: “You’re not good enough. You need to be better in order to be worthy of love.”
From that initial seed, an entire life pattern unfolded. Perfectionism, people pleasing, self-harm - playing out in trials and discoveries through the decades. Experiences reinforce those beliefs, over and over again, until finally something breaks and it all begins to unwind.
Filling The Void
When we aren’t able to give ourselves self-love, it creates a vacuum inside our soul. A vast emptiness that dampens your mood and siphons your energy.
We try to fill this emptiness with distractions - entertainment, thrill-seeking, food, alcohol, drugs, anything within arm’s reach that can numb the pain. Actually, forget what’s in arm’s reach - we will climb mountains, build sprawling skyscrapers, and conquer countries to escape the feeling.
We also try to fill this emptiness with external validation. “If I can’t love myself, maybe I can convince someone else to love a curated version of me that I present to them.”
There are several problems with this approach.
You can’t control how anyone feels about you. That is something only they can experience and choose. Your behavior becomes centered on maintaining a persona, anticipating and fulfilling someone else’s needs. It’s an inauthentic life, an impossible task, and a road to misery.
No one will ever know you exactly as who you are. Every little molecule of you, every dark little thought, every silent triumph, every tiny tragedy. Only you can see that. Therefore, YOU are the only one who can witness and love yourself in absolute completeness.
The answer?
Stop putting so much weight on everyone else’s opinions. It may be useful information to help guide your behavior, but attaching your self-worth to their unpredictable emotions only leads to harm.
You can’t fit other people’s pyramid-shaped shit into that heart-shaped hole in your soul.
Discovering Self-love
I’ve lived 42 years on this earth. It took me this long to understand and embody self-love. I’m perfectly fine with that. Everyone has their own journeys and their own timing.
I discovered it through my parents, who showed me love as selflessness, sacrifice, and duty. I discovered it through my children, who stirred unconditional love inside my heart. I discovered it through my soulmate, who taught me the infinite contours of love. I discovered it through the countless acts of kindness from friends, family, teammates, and strangers. I discovered it by inspecting every aspect of my life. I discovered it by asking myself: why can’t I treat myself the way that I treat the ones I love?
I confronted that inner voice from an older version of Jeremy - the mean things he would say to me when I messed up. I felt the echoes of others in his language and tone. I considered how it would make my children feel to hear those words from me.
It was unacceptable. So I said goodbye to him.
I let the loving voices in, and I made them my own.
I don’t have any recipe for you to find self-love, for the path is unique to every individual. I hope you’re already there, and that I’m just finally catching up. If not, I hope that your journey to self-love is a beautiful one; and that these words, in some small way, help you reach that destination.
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What I’m Doing This Week
Gratitude
I’m grateful for all the people in my life who taught me how to love myself.
Lesson Learned
The only person who has the power to ruin your day is you.
Listening to
All You Need Is Love by The Beatles
Preach on, gentlemen!
Watching
This brilliant skit from Key & Peele had me dying. I know a few of my readers who will absolutely get a laugh out of this one, perhaps hitting a bit close to home 😉.
Reading
Finding love has completely changed my life. This deeply personal piece by
is packed with so much unique and profound wisdom. I hope it helps more people find their special person… and themselves.Self-care
Meditation, dry needling, ocean, swimming, journaling, nature, playtime with the kids
My friend today said, "The ‘spiritual path’ isn’t very honestly advertised—when you check that ‘opt in’ box, somewhere down in the fine print it says ‘buckle up bitch.’"
Self-love has not come naturally for me, growing up in a high-demand religion and never feeling like I was enough perpetuated into all aspects of my life. But I've been clinging to this idea of "loving myself forward" as an antidote to the "shame yourself into being enough" prescription I've been on since birth. It's welcoming all the conflict voices in my head, it's forgiving myself when I fall short of my own expectations, it's looking at the present moment and asking "what's the next best thing I can do from here?" again and again and again.
But the gains from the effort have been so palpable. Instead of comparing myself against some imaginary version of myself that has hit shit together and always coming up short, I'm trying to look back instead and say "damn, look how far I've come!" Or another favorite mantra "we made it!"
I've also been listening to this book by Richard Schwartz (of "No Bad Parts" and IFS fame) called "You're the One You've Been Waiting For" and it's really helped me understand how I've been looking to fill gaps in my own need for self love through the affection and praise of others. It's really geared toward relationships and it's been a huge revelation so far, would definitely recommend!
Brilliant reflection on the challenge of the spiritual path. 😂
I feel you, my friend. It can be a windy road for some of us, but I believe it yields a special type of reward as we break through.
Your approach is beautiful and I’m so glad you’re experiencing progress, keep it going! 💪
Nice, thank you for the recommendation! Will add to my list ✅