Welcome to the first edition of Pillow Room Ponderings—raw conversations between me and my partner,
, a relationship coach and matchmaker.The Pillow Room is a special place in our home where the family comes together to hang out, laugh, and love. Here, we’ll share our authentic lived experience and one of our favorite pastimes—dissecting a topic to its very core.
Jeremy
Julie, you first introduced me to this philosophical concept last year: “How you do one thing is how you do everything.” Ever since that initial discovery, this pattern has popped into my awareness over and over again. I see it in myself, in my kids, in people in my life, and even in strangers I observe. It made me wonder what the origins of such wisdom were. Where did you first hear of this concept? How has it influenced you?
Julie
First off, thank you for having me! I’m excited to discuss this with you.
“How you do one thing is how you do everything” is an old saying that I heard on some podcast. The phrase means the way we handle seemingly small, inconsequential situations is a reflection of how we handle everything else in our lives.
For example: I saw how my blocked emotions, like fear and anger, weren’t isolated to contained moments. It was showing up in every area of my life if I looked closely enough. Recognizing this helped me understand that shifting a tiny response would profoundly impact all of my actions because it’s interconnected. Our constant self-analysis helped me a lot with this.
Jeremy
It’s been a marvel to witness you evolve so quickly in this regard. Observing this pattern of behavior made me curious about the mechanics behind it. At its core is our subconscious, which governs ~95% of our cognition and behavior. The subconscious itself seems to be embedded (at least in part) in our nervous system.
Our specific habits, dispositions, and traumas get stored in our body. Billions of neurons fire, electric pulses explode through the brain and nervous system, genes express, hormones proliferate, and the body responds. Those patterns are then retained in cellular memory.
Every experience we have is like writing a program into our biological hardware. The more we repeat it or the more emotionally impactful the experience is, the stronger the program becomes in our system. Then as we move through life and encounter new situations, we default to the subconscious, and automatically execute these ‘programs’.
It made me think about the military practice of fixing your bed perfectly every single morning. It starts your day instilling a sense of excellence, confidence, and accomplishment. It reinforces responsibility and promotes order and discipline.
That precision carries through in so many other aspects of a soldier’s day: from reloading a rifle to bandaging a wound. It may seem meaningless in isolation, but actually sets a standard of behavior that profoundly impacts everything else in your life.
Julie
I like what you’re saying about moving with deep intention. Making the bed feels very similar to “chop wood, carry water.” Enlightenment happens in the smallest actions but can have a big ripple effect.
What’s interesting is that these habits turn into automatic muscle memory. With these “programs,” we tend to be blind to the operating system running these patterns. To interrupt the script, we have to trace the origins, feel the present discomfort, and only then can we rewrite the future.
As an avoidance tactic, there’s a desire to justify how we manage our lives. It’s easy to be the victim or blame an external thing. It was really hard to admit that certain behaviors of mine weren’t random but actually a consistent pattern. But once I knew, I couldn’t go back.
Jeremy
Once you became aware of this, how did it change you?
Julie
I’m much more compassionate when I see my regressive patterns. I don’t need to land every action perfectly, but I want to take on radical ownership. Enough to say, “I know who I am and the guardrails I need to walk the healthier path.”
I used to be hyper-fixated on self-improvement and now I’m in this stage of self-acceptance, which paradoxically moves me closer to embodying my higher self. How do you feel like “How you do one thing is how you do everything” has impacted you in life and relationships?
Jeremy
Now that I can see it, I can’t unsee it. Reality has been constantly bitch-slapping me in the face. And it’s made me consider how I do even the littlest of things. Whether it’s meticulously cleaning the kitchen or handling a conversation with patience and humility. Each of those intentional behaviors propagates onto every other aspect of my life.
This has contributed to other areas where I am growing—overcoming the need for external validation, not running from my fears, not believing I’m good enough, not assuming responsibility that’s not mine. This awareness triggered a complete unraveling of my whole life, my stories, and all the resulting behavioral patterns. It’s been a long journey of unwinding and reprogramming; and there’s still much more to go. But c’est la vie!
Like you, I realized that it’s OK to make mistakes. It’s an intrinsic part of the human condition. It’s what makes us unique and beautiful. It teaches us and accelerates our growth. Yet awareness changes everything—instead of defaulting to an automatic program, I’m now making a conscious choice.
Julie
I love it. I’m seeing your growth in real time and it’s inspiring. How have you been able to get through the process of examining everything without feeling frustrated or overwhelmed?
Jeremy
Honestly, it’s been difficult to the extreme. Facing your true self, flaws and all, is daunting and emotionally taxing—let alone doing the hard work to transmute what no longer serves you into who you want to really be.
But it is so rewarding. Getting to the other side of it feels miraculous, joyous, fulfilling, and peaceful. It’s hard to imagine going back to a life of ignorance and struggle, now that I’m able to see it clearly in hindsight. That perspective instills a feeling of gratitude that is reason enough to keep going.
In closing, is there anything else you’d like to share that you think would help others reflect on this topic?
Julie
I’ve found change to be an incremental, cyclical, and lifelong process. There are moments of realization and then moments of rebounding back to the same old habits. There’s beauty in simply noticing it and trying better each and every day. What about you?
Jeremy
Love yourself in all states—past, present, and future; ugly and beautiful; weak and strong. Give yourself lots of grace as you move through the process. Focus on progress instead of outcomes.
Most importantly—be aware of your intentions with every action, big or small. Does it align with your values? Is it authentic to who you really are? Choose consciously and wisely, because that one action will shape your reality.
I hope our perspectives help in making the journey a bit more pleasant for you.
Thanks for reading! Let us know what you think about this experimental format. If it brought you some joy or insight, please sub for free, upgrade, comment, or click the ❤️ or 🔄 button. It goes a long way. We appreciate you. 🙏 - J&J
What Jeremy’s Doing This Week
Gratitude
I’m grateful for the love, acceptance, and unyielding support of my partner.
Lesson Learned
Fear of disappointment sometimes becomes the cause of disappointment.
Listening to
Real Love Baby by Father John Misty
Watching
Federico Faggin is a top physicist and the inventor of the microprocessor & touch screen. He’s spent decades researching computing, consciousness, and reality, and has a beautiful and credible view on the merging of science and spirituality.
Reading
’s substack is fun, thoughtful, and insightful. His most recent conversation format is great and coincidentally came out as Julie and I were working on this post. I particularly appreciated the ‘reach out to a new person every day’ concept and found it fascinating.Self-care
Meditation, volleyball, naps, stretching, weight lifting, squats, sunlight, shockwave therapy, cupping, cryosauna, dance
What Julie’s Doing This Week
Gratitude
I’m grateful for my partner, family, and all of the beautiful blessings in my life.
Lesson Learned
Do it or don’t. The time will pass anyway.
Listening to
Rushing Back - Petit Biscuit Remix
Watching
One of my favorite podcasts this year to date. Matt Kahn speaks about the universal force of love, I’ve already re-listened twice.
Reading
The Magdalen Scriptures; illuminating and provocative.
Self-care
Biking, journaling, ecstatic dance, sunlight, conversations within my loving community
thank you for inviting me! i loved discussing this meditation with you, and reflecting on our practices deeper. it is always a joy to collaborate🎐
This new format is refreshing, I like it. I can relate as well to much wisdom shared by you and Julie. Also, a lovely couple's pic with the beautiful sun that's graceful to look at.