Boundaries - Your New Best Friend
The Benefits of Body Work and Boundaries - Part 2
In my previous post, we explored the role of pain as a communication tool and how body work can help flush out the imbalances we accumulate over time. But why must we undergo so much purging? The answer lies within the vast amount of junk we permit into our personal space.
As a recovering people-pleaser, my biggest challenge in life was a lack of self-awareness. My energy would leak out all over the place as I tried to satisfy everyone else’s needs but my own. The excessive giving would lead to disappointment, resentment, distance, and eventually burnout.
At the root of this obsession to please others was insecurity, lack of self-worth, and ignorance of my own needs. I wasn’t equipped to understand the concept of a boundary.
On the flip-side, receiving from a people-pleaser can be intoxicating. People love being treated well, cared for, listened to - we can’t get enough of it. When we don’t know that it’s coming at a cost to the people-pleaser, we’ll take and take until they collapse or explode. Nobody wins.
So what can we do to prevent this?
Shields Up
This experience we call life is one of limitation. We have finite knowledge, time, energy, and patience. We need the opportunity to restore ourselves, to regenerate and reintegrate the things we’ve learned. Boundaries give you this space.
Like a reliable best friend, your boundaries are always looking out for you:
Protecting you from harm
Enabling you to rest, recover, and repair
Promoting self-respect and self-care
Preventing burnout
Teaching others how to interact with you
Encouraging growth by allowing you to invest in yourself
We Live Within Layers of Boundaries
Boundaries come in different flavors and are unique to everyone. One way I like to visualize them are layers of protection surrounding you. They’re dynamic - varying in strength and purpose. Here are a few types:
Biological Boundaries
Our bodies have systems that naturally filter the air we breath and process the toxins we ingest. Our immune system fights off harmful bacteria and viruses. Often our biological boundaries operate outside of our conscious thoughts. However, we do have control around the things we ingest and expose ourselves to, creating a type of decision-based boundary for our health.
Physical Boundaries
These boundaries relate to our body and personal space. We can control the physical proximity to other people—allow touch only with consent, protect our privacy with a locked door, or filter out noise with a pair of headphones.
Mental Boundaries
Our thoughts are precious and powerful. We need to protect them from undesired outside influence. This kind of unhealthy input can come from unproductive or disrespectful arguments, dogma in the education or corporate systems, narratives in the news, or social media trends. Many people are bombarded with this on a daily, if not hourly, basis.
At the same time, you also have your own intellectual property to secure, like passwords and new inventions. Your mental boundaries keep the right information in as much as the wrong information out.
Emotional Boundaries
Our remarkable ability to empathize - to feel the emotions of others - is partly rooted in mirror neurons within our brains. These neural mirrors reflect the emotions of those around us, merging our feelings with theirs. While this capacity can form deep connections and teach us compassion, its intense nature may screw with our emotional stability if left unchecked.
Emotional boundaries safeguard us from absorbing excessive emotions. Sometimes this means disconnecting or putting distance from others, letting go of attachments, or finding acceptance through a reframed perspective.
Energetic Boundaries
As I wrote in a previous post, we all have an energy field, and your energy signature tends to match the vibration of the environment that surrounds you. When you don’t pay attention to this relationship, outside influences can adversely impact you.
One practical example of this is having a friend that requires ongoing, seemingly endless help. How do you hold space for them? How much do you give? Do they take without consideration or reciprocity? You may be familiar with the concept of energy vampires, they’re a real thing and you’ll benefit by learning how to compassionately navigate around them.
Another form of energy is money. Or more accurately: money is a tool that we have invented to help us quantify the exchange of energy between people. What emotions come forth when you’re making a donation to a charity? How about when you’re in a mindset of scarcity, or lending money to people who won’t repay you? We set budgets, execute financial strategies, and protect our monetary assets because they’re a potent form of energy.
How Can You Establish Your Boundaries?
Know your needs and wants: What triggers you? What do you value? Know what you prefer and what you don’t. As an exercise, write down a list of things that make you angry, sad, scared, or tired. Seeing it clearly will help you form strategies to safeguard against those situations.
Communicate clearly: Don’t assume anyone knows what you require or how you feel. State your needs. We tend to avoid this out of fear of rejection, judgement, or punishment (typically a trauma response from childhood). But the reality is that most people are willing to hear you out and support you when you communicate clearly and kindly. If not, maybe you need to put a new boundary in that relationship.
Maintain: Boundaries require upkeep and vigilance. Sometimes you’ll have to develop and nurture a habit. Sometimes you’ll need to remind yourself to make conscious decisions versus regressing back to old patterns. Sometimes situations change and you have to re-architect a relationship. Focus on self-reflection and be open to making adjustments when needed. This is where meditation really helps.
The Paradox of Unity
It seems paradoxical that we are all so deeply interconnected yet the illusion of separation appears essential for navigating the complexities of life. Perhaps we’re here to experience this polarity in order to master the delicate balance between preserving our unique perspective and embracing unity with the rest of creation.
By embracing the truth that we are all connected and part of a larger whole, we become more compassionate, patient, peaceful, and loving.
By cultivating and honoring our boundaries, we create sanctuaries for reflection, growth, and renewal.
Ultimately, you have the power to choose what you allow into your own space, to what magnitude, and at what distance. That configuration is completely yours to design, a beautiful reflection of your own unique personality. I wish for all of us to find that harmonious balance as we dance through this life together.
Thanks for reading! If you like my creations, you can sub for free, upgrade, comment, or click the ❤️ or 🔄 button. It goes a long way. I appreciate you. 🙏
What I’m Doing This Week
Gratitude
I’m grateful for learning how to practice loving distance.
Lesson Learned
The zero-point between urgency and patience is where you experience the flow of the universe.
Listening to
Room by Ethan Tasch
Watching
A classic animated film from Studio Ghibli, weaving a fantastical tale of gods, nature, humanism, environmentalism, and industrialism. Filled with conflict, tragedy, horror, and beauty—the unforgettable characters reminded me of how precious mother nature is and the value of honor.
Reading
has arrived on Substack with quite a splash. Trained as a neuroscientist, he’s become more of a public figure due to his outspoken views on societal trends. Though controversial at times, I find his perspectives often illuminating and pragmatic.In particular, I like his approach to revenue generation as a writer/podcaster. He’s an early pioneer in the patronage-creator economy and is proving that the model works. This write-up is a useful reflection as he (along with other creators) kickstarts his Substack engine.
Self-care
Meditation, volleyball, biking, ocean, cold plunge, swimming, journaling, sunlight
Well-written and important post about the importance of boundaries! I especially appreciated your point about how paradoxical it is that we are all connected, yet maintaining healthy boundaries is essential to nurture our wellbeing. So curious and true!
This is really great! ❤️